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Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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I wrote an image song for a nihilistic villaines I created. She's a yaoi fangirl nerd in addition to being evil, and I thought it would be funny if she sang a song with an upbeat pop melody, really depressing lyrics, and mangled Japanese thrown in for the Hell of it. Since the song is supposed to be silly, I'm not too concerned with the accuracy of the grammar, as long as the meaning is somewhat clear to someone who knows what the words mean. However, if it's completely wrong, that is a bit of a problem, lol. I will listen to grammar advice, but if it's to where a Japanese person would understand but be annoyed by the grammar, then the sound/syllable count is more important and I might decide to leave it. I wrote my intended meaning in parenthesis under the first instance of each Japanese line. (I plan to go over the lyrics and make improvements later, right now I'm only focusing on the bad Japanese sections. I will accept some notes on the english parts, but I'm not asking for them. But nothing like this: "my associate is exclaiming to me that this is utter crap. You also, should spend some time in a spell check system." Can you believe someone actually posted that on my deviantart page? Sorry to digress, but I needed to complain to get that off my chest.) Here are the lyrics: Billions of lives calling out to be free The sorrowful cry of a mournful banshee To the gate of their dreams, I hold a key Enter the beautiful shinigami A young mother’s joy Newborn baby boy Doesn’t know he is a tragedy An innocent girl Born into this world Is forgotten along a scarred history A birth is a curse To live is much worse Existence is forever’s antonym Salvation comes first On a glittering hearse The tender death goddess whispers this hymn Billions of lives calling out to be free The sorrowful cry of a mournful banshee To the gate of their dreams, I hold a key Face forward beautiful shinigami Ai suru Shi (Intended meaning is loving death) Suteki na Shi (Intended meaning is wonderful death) Nothingness waits for us eternally Ai suru Shi Suteki na Shi Watashi no bishojo shinigami (I know it should be "wa" rather than "no", written this way it sounds like "my" when she's referring to herself, but I might keep it this way for musicality) All of mankind Will choose to be blind To the truth of their own lives futility If they look they will find It’s not far behind, The only genuine eternity Law cannot bend It will not ammend Silent infinity’s lovely repose Lives all must end Treat death as a friend The merciful goddess at last has arose Billions of lives calling out to be free The sorrowful cry of a mournful banshee To the gate of their dreams, I hold a key Tear onward beautiful shinigami Ai suru Shi Suteki na Shi Nothingness waits for us eternally Ai suru shi Suteki na Shi Watashi no bishojo shinigami Ai suru Shi Suteki na Shi Shi no utsukushii erejii (Intended meaning is death's beautiful elegy) Ai suru shi Suteki na shi The work of the beautiful shinigami Billions of lives, all calling to me Death is the only way they can be free The weapon I hold, is a skeleton key You’ll rest someday beautiful shinigami ________ I know I'm an amateur, but I've gotta start somewhere, lol. I'll be really greatful to anyone who helps me with it. Please be gentle, if you find the abused grammar annoying, remember that it's supposed to be to some degree, I'm trying to reduce that element, not eradicate it. After all, jpop abuses english all the time. XD Sorry my post is so long, so I'll be doubly greatful to anyone who can be patient with me. |
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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by
 
on 2009-04-14 02:53:40 |
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I don't see any flaw in the Japanese text though I seldom hear the 'shi' word to be used as noun but I think it's still usable in 1 line text or in a song. Nice work. 
For the one who already did their best at anything. |
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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Really? I wonder how they dub shows where the grim reaper appears. Thank you for checking it over for me. :) |
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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by mewarmo990
on 2009-04-25 17:07:40
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Yeah, I'll tell you now that "shi" is not typically used as the noun for death. The grim reaper could be translated as "shinigami" (god of death) given that they serve a similar function as depicted in media (read: Bleach) that the typical Western anime fan would be exposed to, which I am guessing is the main audience for your song. In the second to last stanza you could just change it to "utsukushii elegy" since "beautiful elegy of death" is redundant. Honestly I don't know if I can agree with you throwing random Japanese into a song, because even though it's normal to do it in J-pop, the opposite isn't so with English music. Well, this isn't supposed to be an opinion post so I hope that helps.
Maka here is an wonderful example of why it's a bad idea to home school your children.
Maybe also a good example of why inbreeding is a bad idea, although the paternity test has not been done to say for sure.
-Gendou
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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Isn't redundancy ok in songs though? There aren't enough syllables if I cut out "shi no". :( I don't care if random Japanese isn't normal, though normally I would care more about grammatical accuracy, since I don't want to give the impression of ignorance. This time I'm making exceptions for the purpose of melody/sound devices, and because it is from the point of view of a character who is young and having a teenage identity crisis, which for fans of Japanese culture, as we know, often leads to out of place improper Japanese. If it's understandable but annoying to a Japanese speaker, I'm ok with it. If it means something entirely different though, or has no meaning, then I'm concerned. You both have said that shi isn't usually used as a noun, but the singer in this song refers to herself as a shinigami, and when she uses "shi", though she uses familiar terms, she isn't really referring to a singular person. (I think this point isn't helped by the fact that she says watashi no bishojo shinigami to refer to herself. It's wrong, but it has that repeating 'o' sound device. I'll probably have to make it "wa" properly and sacrifice the sound device for clarity) Is it ok in this sense? (if I have to change the word 'shi' it will probably destroy the song...) |
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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by mewarmo990
on 2009-05-25 16:23:28
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When I meant redundant, I meant that an elegy is a funeral song by definition, so there's no need to say "elegy of death". Then again I wasn't really looking at the meter of the song, so just forget it. It would make more sense to say "bishojo shinigami no watashi" (I, beautiful reaper) than the other way around in the context that you're using. For example, "my friend John" would be "tomodachi no John". Unless you actually wanted to phrase it "I am a beautiful reaper" then "watashi wa bishojo shinigami" would be closer to that. It's not that grammatically sound but you've already said that it's not a major concern so I won't ask you to completely rewrite anything. Finally, just keep the "shi". It's a little odd but I don't see it becoming a major problem.
Maka here is an wonderful example of why it's a bad idea to home school your children.
Maybe also a good example of why inbreeding is a bad idea, although the paternity test has not been done to say for sure.
-Gendou
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Re: Help with editing a Japanese-mangling song
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Ah, thank you. I will change "watashi no" to "watashi wa" |